For love of joy
A poem by Laree Kiely

For love of joy

For the love of joy, I make conscious choices
I know darkness exists
God knows I know
Don’t ignore it or deny it
When that darkness hijacks me
The contrast is so shocking and startling that it takes me by surprise
It’s so strong, I have trouble digging my way out of the abyss
But I am wired for joy
For reasons I don’t understand
I remember vividly when I first knew
I’ve known since I was four years old
My mom and I were invited to lunch with my friend and her mother one afternoon
My friend Carol. I loved Carol
She was wired for joy, too
Even though she walked in leg braces and with iron crutches because of the darkness of polio
But Carol and I were wired for joy
And I was over the moon with joy to be invited to her for lunch
The joy doubled when I found out we were eating outside
Then when we arrived my joy tripled because we were eating grilled cheese sandwiches
I loved grilled cheese sandwiches
At my house we ate them with a brownish lump of something called Durkey’s sauce to dip the
sandwiches in
I was pretty sure other people might not know about Durkeys
But then my joy quadrupled because on our plates was a lump of brown stuff
Too good to be true.
I sat politely and quietly like I had been taught
And when we went to eat, I dipped my sandwich in the brown stuff
I giggled because it was butterscotch pudding.
It tasted terrible on grilled cheese sandwiches
It was then I learned that not everything was as it seemed
I didn’t have those words, but I made that decision
Then my mother realized what I had done. I guess she was embarrassed.
She got so angry with me
Smacked me in the head and knocked me off of my chair
In front of my friend
I remember vividly looking at her and thinking “no one has the right to steal another person’s joy”
I didn’t have those words, but I made that decision
I lived the rest of my youth with her trying to steal my joy
I understand her better now.
It was her abyss and she wanted company
But even at 4, I knew it wasn’t going to be me
I am so grateful that I am wired for joy
For the love of joy
I make conscious choices

About the Author:

Laree Kiely, PhD lives in the redwood forests of northern California. Career-wise, she’s a retired professor and, at present, the CEO of a boutique consulting firm. History-wise, she grew up at the base of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, the granddaughter of a train robber and the daughter of two parents who hated school but loved nature. Writing soothes her restless soul.

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